All of us have felt shame. We may have also been the recipients of shaming. One of the glorious blessings of the Christian life is that our faith deals with shame in a healing and redemptive way.
Jesus’ work on the cross eradicates our shame. By turning from our old ways and placing our trust in Christ, we are forgiven, our record wiped clean.
And then, God removes our sins as far as the east is from the west. Gone. No more shame. And, he also provides written proof: “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).
There it is. No condemnation. None.
So, why can the church be so mean?
We look down on others’ failures. We insist on naming this or that as sin. We point out the sin of others. We damage the very people we’re trying to help. We become one of the worst parts of the problem.
Over forty years ago, I was a pregnant teenager. My boyfriend and I were crazy about one another, so we married and built a life together. When our baby arrived, we were the two happiest people on the planet, even though we were still teenagers.
That child was and still is a treasure. No harm came from having him, only the blessings of his presence, our increased maturity, and the life lessons that formed us into sacrificial people. Our early marriage was also a blessing, even though we were young and naive about marriage and often argued as we tried to grow up.
Finances were hard. Growth was hard. We had jumped the gun, marrying before we were mature. The natural consequences of sacrifice and fulfilling our responsibilities were the best things that could have ever happened to us in that situation. No harm there.
Our campus church was a lifeline for us. People came alongside to help us grow in maturity. Growth is a slow, patience-inducing process. We’re still growing.
Any wounds we experienced were caused by the shaming.
It was then socially acceptable to be unkind to people in our situation. My young husband was mocked at his workplace. I almost didn’t get to walk with my high school class in graduation or to be named its valedictorian. I lost my full-ride scholarship, because we got married. I was refused a job at my state university’s library, because I was pregnant.
The lectures we received did nothing to turn us to God or to promote our growth. The things people took from us because we had sinned only hurt us. The shaming was more spiritually damaging than the act of premarital sex and its natural consequences ever were. For years afterward, we were uncomfortable even telling people our story.
The kind people still stand out, the ones who didn’t shame us, who assumed we would succeed, do well, and grow in our faith. They hoped for and believed the best of us. Their loving and positive attitude was healing.
God’s mercy is irresistible. Because God is a merciful God, no harm came from him. God’s love and the love of these others turned our hearts to God, caused us to grow, and prompted our progress after we were thrust into adulthood.
There should be more voices of kindness, more displays of God’s mercy.
PLEASE, Please, please, can those voices come from the church?
There should be more voices of #kindness, more displays of God's mercy. PLEASE, Please, please, can those voices come from the church? Click To TweetCan Christians love and support those who are in places of temptation or whose choices have led to sin? Instead of cornering them to lecture them or to condemn, can we instead encourage them to do well? Can we come alongside them as friends and fellow sinners, not as finger waggers?
Can we realize that the voice of love and concern is far more effective than the voice of condemnation? Can we “encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11a NIV)?
There is now no condemnation for believers. If a Christian falls, the Lord will lift them up again. Pray for them. Love them. Help them. They will turn back to God. Those who belong to God may fight, but they will surrender. The Holy Spirit is irresistible.
Can we stay out of God’s way, so that they can return to the One whose arms are already open wide? Can our nagging and reprimanding voices not drown out the voice of the Holy Spirit who is already softly nudging and urging within their hearts?
Instead of nagging or shaming, can we pray?
This can be especially hard for mommas and daddies and church members. Can we believe that God has got this, that the Shepherd always goes after the straying sheep, and that even after we’re dead and gone, he’ll still have them safely in his arms?
Staying out of God’s way is hard for human beings, because we like to be right, and we want everyone to know it. We exaggerate our own importance, thinking that our words are necessary.
Let’s park our pride and trust God. Can we do it?
By the grace of God, we can.
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Thank you for sharing with honesty and grace. Your testimony is so powerful and I pray it will stick in my mind and help me see those around me with God’s vision and reach out with compassion and hope. I do want to be someone who offers Godly love and strength. May God continue to bless you and your ministry of words, Melinda!
Thanks for commenting, Melissa. It’s still hard to talk about this publicly. The wounds went deep, but I’ve witnessed so much public shaming by Christians recently that it was time to share my perspective. One of the most painful experiences during that time of my life was walking into a room where a group of Christian adults were talking about what exact label needed to be applied to my sin. They continued their discussion even after I walked in. On the other hand, my gracious, loving grandmother showed us unconditional love. My husband thought she was the first real Christian he’d ever met. It was the people like her, who showed us grace and compassion, that God used most powerfully in our lives.
Hey Melinda – I am so glad that you did the right thing – you kept your baby!! Why didn’t people see that instead? You didn’t abort like many do. You saved a life, and that life became a new life in so many ways for you and your boyfriend/husband. That is how the church should have seen it.
We all make mistakes and we all sin. That is why I love the story of the woman caught in adultery – “those without sin, cast the first stone.” (John 8:7). No one could cast a stone! And then, of course, there is that other scripture where Jesus said that instead of trying to get the speck out of someone else’s eye , we should get the log out of our own! (Matt. 7:5.)
When I came to the Lord at 25 years old, I was broken. I had made so many terrible decisions and was very self-destructive. Had someone only piled more of that ontop of me, I am not sure I would even be a Christian today. What I needed was the love of God, not the judgment.
So, “yes” and “amen” to your blog post! The church should be the place where the sinner can come, be loved on, and be set free. I am SO glad you remained. Look where God has taken you, and what I would have missed out on had you not stayed. God bless you, my friend.
You wrote some powerful words here. Yes! There was so much it should have been, but it wasn’t. But the Lord was with us. He was wooing us through it. It was the love and support of those few who drew us to God – some kind women at church, a kind Grandmother, kind friends. Mostly, we were pressured to abort. Society, thank God, has changed, including church society. But, unfortunately, we see public shaming still. In the church, it shouldn’t happen. It drives people away from God, rather than to him. I actually read a blog recently where the Christian writer publicly castigated a child who had wandered away from the faith. That will hardly be effective in bringing him back. More likely, he’ll run the other direction. I think pride is the ugly vice that rises up to cause us to react this way. Our pride is deeply damaging to ourselves and to others.
I am so sorry Melinda. We are all broken and sinners so none of us should ever judge or shame anyone. Sometimes, it seems those within the church forget about loving our neighbors (not just when they appear sinless). How people walk away from God because of such circumstances. Stories like this break my heart and makes me more determined to reach out to the less, the lost and the “sinners” which is everyone of us.
We easily forget our own sin when faced with a sin in others. The reflex we should exhibit, because we have Christ in us, is to offer mercy and kindness. But, if we don’t rely on the Holy Spirit, our flesh can easily react first, and our flesh is often cold, mean, and calculating. The “old man” is dead, but seems able to rise up in a moment, especially when “the mob” around us has decided that shaming is in order. If we don’t walk in the Spirit, we’re doomed. By the grace of God, we can be transformed into people who rely on Jesus and walk in his steps. I hope and pray to grow more like Jesus throughout my life. Less of me. More of him. Thanks for commenting, Yvonne!
Melinda, this is a powerful sharing. Thank you. I particilarly appreciated the reminder, “Can we realize that the voice of love and concern is far more effective than the voice of condemnation? Can we “encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11a NIV)?” Love has the power to redeem and transform. We are called to love – it should be what identifies and differentiates us as Christian. Your post is an encouragement and reminder that we are to be a reflection of God’s amazing, grace-filled love in a world that can be quick to abandon, condemn, criticize and shame. Blessings.
It’s easy to jump in the shaming bandwagon when everyone around us is doing it. Our pride blinds us to our own sin and opens wide our eyes to see the sin in others. When “a mob” begins the action of judging and shaming, I think it helps if we quickly pull away to give ourselves space, either physically, mentally, or both. In that space, we can then reflect of what the Holy Spirit is speaking to us. If we do that, and rely on him for our responses, we’re more likely to show love and mercy and to offer words that will give grace. Once one of my kids informed me that I had taught them well, that he/she knew I was right, but that when I said it, he/she felt the need to resist, merely because I’d been the one to say it, even kindly. And he/she continued, the Holy Spirit was already convicting them, so could I please not say it anymore, so that he/she wasn’t tempted to resist the Holy Spirit. Wow. Yes! I never mentioned it again. Silence, love, and prayer is sometimes our best response, but we have to rely on God to know when.
No temptation has overtaken us but such as is common to man. None! Blessings, dear one! Praising God for your testimony and praying it will reach many for His glory!
Amen to that verse! Common. So common. Thank you for stopping by with your kind words, Becky!
This testimony and reflection is such a blessing. We never realize it in the moment, but passing judgment and condemnation is an act of usurpation. It’s refusing to trust God to be God in His children’s lives. I pray we can take your wise words to heart and reflect on the Biblical promises of freedom in Christ so we might love ourselves and one another better.
Chloe, I love the way you phrased that: “passing judgment and condemnation is an act of usurpation. It’s refusing to trust God to be God in His children’s lives.” Usurpation is a strong word and so apt. That is exactly what we’re doing when we forget that each of us belongs to God and our children are not really ours, but his. Well said!
Wow – your testimony lays open such an important lesson thank you.
As a sinner myself I still fall foul of judging others when I know I am in no position to. I know I judge myself by my intentions and others by their behaviour – I do my best to be the prayerful encourager – to welcome all as equals – to challenge the sin and not the sinner – still I know I have made mistakes and continue to do say.
Thank you for the lesson – for refreshing my focus
Thanks for your comment, Bob. I’ve heard it said that we want others to judge us by our intentions, rather than our actions. But, like you said, I think we all mostly judge others by their actions, while we evaluate ourselves and our behavior by our intentions. This is common to all of humanity. But the results are disastrous. We need reminders, all of us. Me included.
Such a powerful message here, Melinda.
It brings to mind a TV commercial played over 30 years ago on our local Christian station. From my recollection, it showed a pregnant teenager meekly coming into a church service and sitting down at a pew, head held down in shame. The congregation all around her sneered at her, whispering condemnations about her to each other, until the voice-over interrupted them all and said, “God forgives. Let Him!”
We all need to realize we ALL make mistakes. Every last one of us. We need to make more time to reach out to one another and start a dialogue and find out what the real story beyond everything is and know all of the facts, and not instantly condemn and judge.
You’re so right! I never saw that commercial, but it summarizes the situation exactly. God is the judge, not us. Believe me, the Holy Spirit had already convicted me. What I needed was love and support, not punishment. That’s how most of us are in our broken state, no matter our sin. God restored and was at work loving and healing and bringing beauty. He brought blessing and new life!
I have wrestled with deep shame in my life over some of the things I have done. I was caught in a web of sexual sin that led to the destruction of my marriage and really damaged my kids also as a result. Because of that, I moved from understanding that I had done wrong to thinking there was something wrong with me, which is the basis of shame. And you are so right in saying that unfortunately, the Church plays a part in enhancing that shame because there is a lot of condemnation that comes toward a believer when they confess or are busted in sin. This keeps other believers from confessing sin to others in the one place they should feel the safest to do that
Thanks for this post Melinda! I pray the Lord uses it to convict those in our churches that are promoting an environment of secrecy by their judgmental attitudes.
You are so right, Paul! Church is often the most dangerous place to make that confession. I’ve seen college group leaders destroy the lives of young adults who confessed and asked them for help by informing all the other young adults of the offense and then telling them to shun the offender, rather than to encourage and to lift then up. It shouldn’t be this way. Church should be the safe place, the place where we all remember that we’re fellow sinners in need of God’s grace. Thank you for commenting so transparently. I know your ministry is a blessing to others.
So much truth here Melinda. Christians have to learn how to love without necessarily condoning. It’s a thin line, but there’s a reason God’s greatest commandment is love. He will work out the rest. People carry enough burdens around without our judgement. I am
grateful for those few who continued to show you who God really is.
You raise a great point, Brittany, about the thin line between loving and condoning. The ones who supported me/us were able to walk that fine line. They did it well. They celebrated with us at our wedding. They focused on our wellbeing, seeing that I was cared for, even coming to help us when the baby was born. They treated us exactly as they would have had we been any young newlywed couple having a baby in their first year of marriage. They helped us provide for our home. That love and care communicated a lot. We all held similar biblical views, they knew we had consciences of our own, they never preached, and they never “reviewed” the Bible with us to make sure we knew we had sinned. But neither did they justify or excuse. They provided steady love and kindness and prayed for us, leaving us in God’s hands. It was highly effective.
Wow, Melinda. Thanks for sharing your story. It’s such an honest and vulnerable post. Relate to so much of the content here and this,
“Can we realize that the voice of love and concern is far more effective than the voice of condemnation?” Amen, my sister in Christ!
Jesus modeled this for us, yet we often can’t seem to get it. Kindness wins. Compassion fails not. And love trumps all!
Yes! Thank you for this: “Kindness wins. Compassion fails not. And love trumps all!” Thanks for commenting, Karen! Your voice of kindness is an important beacon of God’s Good News!
Melinda, thank you so much for sharing your story. In my youth, I heard a speaker say that “the church is a group that regularly kills its wounded.” It has been my daily prayer since that the heart of God’s people will be transformed to know His Love and to Love with His Love.
The is unfortunately true. We should be a haven for our fellow sinners. Thanks for commenting, Elaine!
Excellent post, Melinda. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for your kind words, Gail!
Melinda,
This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. I got married at 18 and even without being pregnant, the condemnation we received was so difficult to wade through. I love how you show that your situation brought blessing but people brought hurt. I’m praying your testimony helps open eyes and soften hearts.
Stephanie, thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry you were hurt over your sweet, loving, and innocent decision to marry young. The pain that comes from the thoughtless or the deliberately cruel words people speak into our lives is often hard to bear. Jesus’ great love and his working of all things together for our good is so far above and beyond the wounds we suffer from their comments! What would we do without him! God bless you, sister!
I also love the story of the woman taken and adultery. Christ said to her go and sin no more. People who judge pretend they have no sin. It’s sad that someday they will see just how much sin they really had.
I agree, Nancy. Judgment comes from that prideful place of assuming we’re sinless. Jesus certainly reminded them of that when he said that only one without sin could throw the first stone! Thanks for sharing this perspective.
Dang, Melinda. I’m sorry for your experience. Sometimes church people are the worst. They ignore the logs in their eyes to get the splinters in mine.
I’ve been there, but much like you, I keep coming back to God’s acceptance of me. He is gracious and good, and his love for me is unqualified.
As I’ve matured in my faith I’ve had to guard against judgment of others. It’s the human condition to be proud of where we are compared to others or to bring them down into our own shame. I’m with you. Kindness leads to repentance. Good post!
Thanks for commenting, Chip. You raise a good point. “It’s the human condition to be proud of where we are compared to others or to bring them down into our own shame.” Yep. We’re all pretty broken, and so we all must fight this tendency to judge, worry, and lecture. Only by the grace of God!
Yes! Yes! Yes! I decided a long time ago if I mess up, I want to err on the side of love. Finger pointing, shaming and/or anger never lead people to God. Jesus never shamed anyone – not the woman at the well, the rich young ruler, Zacchaeus – no one. I love your story and the grace and faith you found to walk your life path. Thank you for sharing – we all need to be reminded to embrace those around us….regardless of their/our circumstances.
I really believe that we’re never wrong when we err on the side of love, kindness, and graciousness. The Lord is the Master of wooing and convicting. Staying out of his way by not harming others is our challenge. We don’t want people to resist him due to our meanness. Thanks for your comment, Liz. You’re so right!
Melinda, reading your story just brought back so many gut wrenching memories. A young girl had pre-marital sex and became pregnant. She later married the young man. The amount of shaming that occurred by the church, her parents made me sick to my stomach. My heart ached so much for her. Both of them
needed someone to come alongside them, counsel, disciple them. Thank you for sharing your story and remining us the need to show grace and love, because the Lord knows we have all fallen short of His glory!!!
We’re all sinners, and rather than standing ready to judge and to condemn, which only drives those who need Christ away, we should open our arms and love them. They need to be soothed and washed over with the gospel delivered lovingly and tenderly, not by way of condemnation, but by way of welcoming them into the arms of a God who loves unconditionally. The father who watches for his wandering son (sometimes called “prodigal”) stands ready to run up the road with arms open wide the moment he sees the son, not after sternly delivering a lecture. I find so much hope and direction in all of the Lord’s parables. Thanks for commenting, sister.