(This post was penned four years ago. I’d been sick for about fifteen months, and we still had no idea what was wrong with me. For all of you chronic illness sufferers, I am one of you. I know how you feel.)
They bundled up to head out for coffee and shopping. Huddled on the couch, I sat in comfy sweats, uninvited. Did I want to go? No. Not really. And everyone knows that. But at that moment loneliness, isolation, and sadness swept over me. I am no longer what I once was.
This past Thanksgiving holiday, the fact that I’ve been sick long enough that no one invited me along was cause for self-pity. Everyone knows I feel awful and probably don’t want to come, or that I’ll go merely to please the inviter and end up wiped out afterward. They don’t ask out of kindness, sparing me having to turn them down.
But, in that moment, I felt forgotten.
For me, self-pity is evidence that I’ve taken my eyes off Jesus and serving others and have turned my focus inward. When you feel awful most of the time, that’s a recipe for making yourself and everyone around you miserable.
And I did.
I kept pulling inward toward my dark thoughts, realizing my mistake, apologizing, and trying again. But I kept failing.
Failing for me doesn’t look like it used to, but the momentary selfishness, the resultant crying, the lack of desire to really attentively listen to someone who needed my ear was enough to make me acutely aware of how desperately I need to stay focused on Jesus.
I’m sure everyone in my family would agree.
Chronic illness is a very personal relationship issue between the sufferer and the Savior. The good he is working in my life through this is a hard lesson. My weak point has been and probably always will be prideful self-reliance. This illness strikes right at the root of that sin.
If I don’t rely on Jesus, we’re all sunk. I don’t want my family to live with a whining, self-pitying, martyr-like matriarch. For the sake of the people I love, for the sake of my soul, I must continue to praise, to trust, and to rely on the Lord.
How about you? Where are you this Christmas season?
If you’re also struggling, this should soothe your heart. It did mine!
I feel for you in your loneliness and sorrow; feelin left out and yet understand as well, the LORD’s will in this. Tis His Will we identify with Him in our weaknesses. I am beginning to think we have an extra special insight of the Love of Christ – we are engaging in as we are in ministry to know the depth with height and length of God’s Love in Our Humility. The Constant Struggle is necessary in building us up; as Christ was a man of sorrow; well aquainted with grief. That we may bear our cross made worthy likewise. OH now; with this in mind; I treasure the time I find alone with God in Weakness! AND praise Him for it – as I share with others; who can relate in illness; thorns in the flesh! Amen Halleluyah Jesus. Let Us Lift Up Praise to God. As Paul and Silas did in their chains of bondage! and were released from their imprisonment through praise! Not to say that our form of bondage will end; perhaps we shall be chastized unto death; as the rest of the disciples were… BUT I pray whatever God’s will is… whatever He wills… let us be worthy of Him to bear His Cross! In Life’s Miseries. ANd In Death’s Dreariness. Yet have a Heart of Cheer as Christ Reminds Us. “In this word you will have trouble; yet Be of GOOD Cheer. I HAVE Overcome the World. Amen!
Amen, A! So true. We must constantly keep our eyes on Jesus, who is he, what he’s done for us, and what we have in him. That is cause for great rejoicing and praise. Each day is a gift, painful or sorrowful. Each person around us is precious and worthy of love. Oh to live like Jesus! I love your typos, by the way. Never apologize for them. 🙂
ha I struggle with my typos – not able to edit; part of my weakness; humilities… But I think yall can read between the lines. Love ya Sis, and Be of Good Cheer. Meeeerrry Christmas!
Honest, human, transparent writing. Thank you Melinda for being real and honest with yourself and your readers – it is a blessing. Because of your awareness I believe God won’t let you stay in this place. He IS working out His divine healing within you already…
Stacey, the Lord is teaching me so much about my brokenness. Feeling awful most of the time puts me at that vulnerable spot where I rarely used to reside. There I see my inner ugly parts: self-pity, selfishness, reliance on my own strength, etc. And I see how truly beautiful Jesus is for living a life that never exhibited any of those traits, even when he was misunderstood, beaten, bleeding, and dying. I’m learning to cry out to him sooner, and to love him more deeply. This is the most intimate and deep work he has performed in my sanctification so far. I am profoundly grateful! He is drawing me ever nearer!
I didn’t realize that I was struggling with the same thing until I read your post today. I feel left out at work having a boss I never speak to and no “colleagues” in the USA. So this time of year when everyone at work is invited to group Holiday parties, I am invited as a “left-out one”. I am playing Cloverton’s Hallelujah as I post this. Thanks for reminding me of this beautiful praise song. Hallelujah!
I’m sorry. 🙁 You are such a sweet companion and awesome friend that distance (as in they’re all on the other side of the world!) is the only thing that would account for you EVER being left out! Isn’t it wonderful to muse on how intimately Jesus is acquainted with our feelings and needs, how he knows what it’s like to be left out, and how we can cry out to him when we feel that pang of loneliness. I would never have known about this song if you hadn’t shared it a long time ago! Praising the Lord through all of this as I listen to this song has been a tremendous comfort to me this Christmas! Thank you for commenting, and thank you for sharing the song. 🙂
Sometimes I have the same feelings of self-pity for being left out of activities that I used to participate in as I serve as sort-of a caregiver to you Daddy and cannot participate any more! But, this is a season of life, and there is no place I should be but taking care of the one I pledged to love “in sickness and in health!” I am thankful that we have doctors now who are willing to help solve some of the problems! I pray that we will all know “how high and wide and long and deep is the love of Jesus, and to KNOW that love that surpasses knowledge.” His love is sufficient–always! Love and prayers sent your way everyday!!
Self-pity is such a common emotional trap that I knew sharing about my own struggles would touch a cord in hearts. I write this at Thanksgiving, the day it happened. Everyone feels this way at one time or another. I’m trying to use this feeling, which crops up so frequently now, as a reminder to cry out to Jesus, who is as near as he can possibly be! I am not alone! He has not left me out! Nothing between us has changed, no matter how much I can no longer accomplish or how crummy I feel or if I can go with the group or not. AND, he’s given me such grace and strength for prison ministry each week, for speaking engagements, and for big family gatherings. Afterward, I just rest as much as I can until I recover. I’m grateful that he is using this illness to teach me to turn to him more quickly and to rely on him more thoroughly! Love you, Momma, and your loving care of Daddy. 🙂
Thanks for sharing this, Melinda. I’ve never been the energetic one, wanting to be involved in lots of activities, but of course I used to do so many things that were asked of me for my job. What I’ve struggled with is saying no to some of these things because of the sense of obligation — if I don’t do it, someone else will have to, and maybe I’m not pulling my weight as I should. But in the past year or two, I’ve come to realize that the ability to say no without guilt is a precious thing. If God has not given me the strength to sit in a hard chair for 4 or 5 hours doing scholarship interviews, then He doesn’t expect me to do them! It’s also made me assess my abilities more carefully and find ways to serve that match the strength I have, that won’t put me in so much pain and exhaustion that I can’t do the basic job I was hired to do. So I’ll email with prospective students and parents, or meet with them in my office for a short time, but I won’t go to lunch (the noise is impossible to bear now — is that a problem for you? frustrating!) or do the interviews. And I try to help with more of the bureaucratic responsibilities of my department head so that he has more time to do those things I can’t. It’s a journey in learning to listen and to accept that I am as God has made me and to be comfortable with that whatever others may happen to think.
That is so difficult, isn’t it, Beth! One of the things this illness is teaching me is how to say no when I have to. I had no problem doing that while I was homeschooling, because it was about the kids. I then took on many homeschool-oriented activities to try to enrich their experience as much as possible. But when it’s not about them, and it’s just me making the decision, I am definitely having to learn. Sometimes I can hardly bear noise, I stumble around, and I crash really suddenly. When my physical limitations don’t allow me to do a task without crashing, I believe I can safely say no. And, we both know, sometimes the Lord will have us go beyond our physical limitations, especially when someone is in crisis, especially those precious adult children or grandchildren. Then we call on Jesus and very gladly serve, knowing we’ll recover later. And recover later, we must. Giving myself permission to depend upon the Lord’s leading, not on what I “should” do, is becoming more liberating. I’m performing many more of my duties in a horizontal position with my laptop, though. 🙂
Oh, yes, horizontal with the laptop is wonderful! 🙂